


Identity

by ohtheway



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Asexuality, Demisexuality, Depression, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Identity Issues, M/M, Relationship Advice, Sexuality, Slash, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-02-10
Updated: 2013-02-10
Packaged: 2017-11-28 21:30:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/679083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohtheway/pseuds/ohtheway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Reid fears that he may be asexual, but he knows he can feel romantic attachment - and even desires to. In desperation, he reaches out to Morgan for help, but what he asks of Morgan may end up complicating things further...</p>
<p>Meanwhile, Morgan has felt something deep for Reid for some time. Reid is delightfully oblivious to what his co-worker is going through, and Morgan wants to keep it that way. He's not sure he's ready for a relationship, but this favor to Reid is going to directly call into play all of the emotions that he has worked hard to keep buried...</p>
<p>And it's the time to act or to lose everything. With everything in his way, Morgan needs to manage his own emotions enough to help Reid sort things out, and somehow stomach it if the worst should happen, when all of the potential endings to the scenario seem daunting to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My works are entirely unbeta'd. If you see a mistake, misspelling, or a sentence doesn't quite make sense, drop a comment or message and I'll fix it. I'm not used to writing for others, I mostly do it to pass the time for myself, so mistakes happen!
> 
> Also, I am not asexual nor demisexual. I had my friends, who are asexual and demisexual - respectively - look over the fic to make sure Reid's characterization is believable. My ace friend told me that when she first realized she was asexual, she went through much of the same process that Reid exemplifies. I based Reid's reactions on what was discussed with her.
> 
> **AT THE MOMENT, DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY MATURE CONTENT WHATSOEVER -- WILL IN THE FUTURE.**

"I need your help."

These were the first words that Reid offered to Morgan as he crossed the threshold into the older man's home, bypassing Morgan without asking to come in first. Morgan felt a thrill of worry climb his spine – the unease that radiated off of his coworker was an abnormal amount, even for Reid. Doing a quick mental check of his observations of Reid the last few days, he couldn't help but feel concerned. While he'd noticed something was going on with his friend, he made a point to step back and wait for Reid to come to him – if it was going to surface at all. Brooding wasn't like Reid, not in this amount – and Reid had been skipping social interaction more than typical, hanging back to gather his thoughts on cases that were already signed and sealed. Everyone did it from time to time, but the way that Reid's eyes never quite met Morgan's had tipped him off. He'd seen the concern in Hotch's eyes as well. Something was wrong.

"All right, what's going on?"

Morgan closed the door, watching Spencer turn and pace across the mocha carpeting. Clooney was at his side step for step, the long-haired, mostly-white mixed breed looking sweetly anxious. Reid's hands were shaking. Morgan tracked the tiny quakes with his eyes, suppressing the urge to go over and seize those long fingers and draw them to his chest. Whatever was on Reid's mind was about to come tumbling from those lips and Morgan took a breath to steady himself for it. He knew about the dilaudid from a previous conversation they'd had late one night, and he hoped against hope that Reid wasn't about to confess a relapse.

He nearly opened his mouth to gently press for more answers when Reid stopped dead in the middle of the carpet, shoulders rigid. After a painful second, he muttered something that Morgan didn't quite hear.

"Reid.." Morgan started, but Reid seemed to know that Morgan hadn't heard him the first time.

He started up again with the pacing, edging on jumpy, and flung out the words before he could swallow them. "I'm a virgin."

The words hit the air with a dull thud and Derek's mind was sent reeling. It wasn't something he'd ever considered about his friend before. The matter of sexuality, yes, but sexual experience...? He'd figured it wasn't any of his business – and still wasn't quite sure how it was. Still, he forced himself to respond despite the slight confusion that edged his tone. "...All right. And what has this got to do with me, Reid?"

"You know about sex, you have experience that books can't give me and I..." As Reid took a shuddering breath to compose himself, on the verge of a panic attack, Derek was unsure approaching and telling the kid to sit down before he fainted was a brilliant idea. By the look of Reid, he would jump straight into sheer panic at the first movement Morgan made. He waited it out, impatient as his over protective drives were causing him to feel – and he thoroughly shunned the part of him that was pleased to hear Reid was a virgin.

Minutes ticked by before, finally, Spencer broke the silence. "I think something's wrong with me, man."

If nothing else had before, that made Morgan break the ice. "There's nothing wrong with you, Reid. Plenty of people are virgins – it doesn't mean a thing."

"That's not... it's more complicated than that, Morgan, it's – I don't – I'm not _interested_ in sex."

"And that's okay, too. You have a lot going on, but that doesn't mean it won't happen for you some day, man. I know you, you can really work that brain of yours to get a girl – or guy -" he added, not too hastily, trying to keep his tone unbiased. Spencer's sexual orientation didn't matter to him other than being a potential cincher for a fantasy he'd had brewing years now. " - Any time you like. I promise. You don't have to live your life to anyone else's specifications. Take your time, there's no rush, Reid."

"Morgan you don't understand. I've kissed people, women... a few guys, hell, I've even been full-out groped a few times, I'm just-" he cut off, here, flashing Derek a look of pure desperation. His voice dropped several notches to a whisper. "I'm... I'm unresponsive. ...Down.. down there, and I.."

He was scared. The fear that radiated off of Reid struck him at the core and though he had no idea what Reid must have felt like first-hand, his heartstrings were wrenched brutally at the sight of his friend's eyes. They were wide – fearful – and pleading. Morgan didn't get the chance to open his mouth before Spencer launched into a full-blown rant.

"I've read every article and book I can find on diseases and neurological disorders, psychological development of sexuality, sexual identity and preference, gender identity. I've had my testosterone levels checked twice over the past month alone, I've adjusted my diet. I sat down and looked at porn for the first time in my life and I still didn't feel anything, I went through every category I could find that I didn't have moral objection to and still... nothing. I... I think I might be asexual."


	2. Chapter 2

Morgan watched Reid's face for a long moment without saying anything, trying to absorb the shock of what had been said within a reasonable time frame - within a time frame that would keep his best friend from descending into another level of worry fraught with panic. Reid stood there, eyes desperately pleading with Morgan for him to understand - for reassurance that no one could give him right now. That's what he had, after all, come to Morgan for.  
  
"Okay. Okay, back up, pretty boy-" he gave a fraction of a pause, too long for Reid not to have missed. Right now, the nickname was leaving a bad taste in his mouth. Did the candid objectification implied by it hurt Reid? He made a mental note not to use it again until he understood the situation better - and to never use it again if Reid revealed that it hurt. Taking a slow breath, he continued. "So maybe you're asexual. All right. Now tell me, what does that mean to you?"  
  
"AVEN, that is, the Asexual Visibility and Education Network is my primary resource and they define an Asexual as a person who does not experience primary or secondary sexual attraction, but most of the people I've had correspondence with through the forums seem to take it as a scale. There's remarkably little definitive overlap between one person's interpretation of themselves to someone else's - in effect, everyone I've spoken to has varying degrees of sexual activity and interest. Some rank themselves as falling in a gray area between, some are Demi-"  
  
Morgan let Reid ramble a bit while continuing to gather his own thoughts, but it was hard to tune out the anxiety in every word that Reid spoke. Eventually Morgan was raising his hand in a gesture to slow Reid down. "Deep breaths, kid. I asked what you think, how you feel. Does this mean you have no interest in a relationship?"  
  
"No!" The excitement from the panic was evident in the too-hurried answer, followed by another onslaught of words. "That's just it, I'm probably asexual but I'm definitely not aromantic and I-"  
  
Yet again, Morgan was forced to cut Reid off before the anxiety escalated to a ridiculous scale. This couldn't have been good for Reid's health - and it was starting to stress Morgan as well, seeing Reid act like this. "Calm down, Reid. I don't know a whole lot about this stuff but I want to help you. What does 'aromantic' mean?"  
  
Spencer was making obvious effort to contain himself and settle his breathing pattern to a reasonable and consistently stable pace, but after a long moment of focused, meditative breathing he licked his lips. "Aromantics aren't interested in romance. It works the same way as asexuality does - a sliding scale, everyone has varying degrees and being asexual does not necessarily mean you're aromantic. Just the same, being aromantic doesn't mean that you're asexual - there are plenty of sexuals who don't categorize sexual interaction as intimacy. I don't have any kind of problem feeling romantic inclinations... I've been on dates, and.. yeah, I've been busy, work and reading take up all of my time. I like it that way, but I like romance as well, I had fun on the dates I've been on. They went well enough, when I got past the typical anxiety."  
  
Derek folded his hands across his lap. "How can I help you, Reid? Some people are Asexual. From what you've told me, it looks like you might be on the list. That doesn't mean that you need to be fixed."  
  
"No, but I do need to define myself. I- I need to know if..." he trailed off, swallowing hard, and averted his eyes.  
  
"Reid... talk to me. Obviously whatever you have planned concerns me or you wouldn't have brought it to me and asked for help. What's on your mind, kid?"  
  
The certifiable genius lapsed into silence so long that Morgan nearly prompted him again, but he fell back and simply watched - knowing that he was playing the waiting game with Reid's social anxiety. If he waited long enough it would come out on its own, and whatever was least stressful for Reid - in this case, waiting instead of continuing to poke and prod - was the best choice. Derek Morgan was not an extremely patient man, but he had quite a lot of patience for his best friend and he tried to mirror that in his body language and expression. The last thing he wanted was for Reid to profile him as inconvenienced and annoyed.  
  
Finally, Reid spoke.  
  
"Asexuals typically don't experience sexual urges on either level, but demisexuals on the other hand experience secondary sexual attraction through established, intimate bonds. I already know I'm bi-romantic, I... I've had feelings for men in the past," Reid paused to clear his throat and Morgan felt his heart simultaneously plummet as his brain went on over-drive. This was getting surreal. He could see where the conversation was going by now, but to his horror he wasn't sure if he wanted it to go there or not. "You.. You're the only one I could ask this of, Derek - hell, man, I.. I hate that I have to ask you this at all but I've been climbing the walls trying to think of another solution and I'm afraid I just can't see one. I need to know. I'm not getting sleep, I can't think straight... I don't have the time or the appropriate work schedule to try and forge a bond to someone else, and to be honest it may not even be worth it if I can't respond to them. I could speak to people through AVEN but it may take years to accumulate the type of bond that I would need. We've known each other that long, and I... You're a handsome guy... I can relax around you. I can't ask this of any of the girls in our team, and.. I'm not really comfortable asking Hotch..."  
  
Reid was rapidly veering into more and more awkward territory, but the panic in his voice had lessened. That should have comforted Derek, but his heart was hammering in his chest with conflicted emotions. On the up side, Spencer wanted to sleep with him - something he'd never expected would happen in a million years. On the down side, it was because Morgan was a trusted friend and the only one appropriate for the job. Did he feel proud or did he feel hurt or did he just feel concern for his friend? He felt all of those things, and many more things that he couldn't identify or afford to let show on his face.  
  
The worst part of this equation was he wasn't sure if he could sleep with Reid and not let it kill him in the end. Or if Reid responded, but still wanted it to be just a test. Or if he didn't respond at all - could they continue on as if it'd never happened?  
  
Still, Spencer looked so terrified and Morgan knew, in his heart, that he couldn't leave his best friend with this fear hanging over his head indefinitely. Knowing their work schedule, knowing that what Reid claimed was true about the time required to forge a bond as strong as theirs - they'd literally been each other's lifeline at times in this job, after all - he couldn't say no.  
  
So he nodded. "All right. I'll help you out."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The toll starts to sink in.

"I know I'm asking a lot here, Morgan, but I'm really out of options, and I-" Reid's breathing was beginning to spike, so much that Morgan once again was worrying for the younger agent's safety. He still knew that if he chose to pull a sudden movement it would just jolt Reid ever further.  
  
"Slow down. Reid, I agreed. I'll help you."  
  
At first, Spencer didn't seem to comprehend what he was hearing - it was evident, at least to Derek, that Reid had come here expecting a regretful dismissal and general unwillingness to go this far for the sake of a friendship. Briefly, Derek allowed himself to consider what the backup plan might have been. Reid had mentioned AVEN, and the fact that they had forums...  
  
Would he have tried to reach out to someone over the internet? The idea of a complete stranger being allowed to form, with Reid, the kind of connection he _himself_ had with Reid, bothered him. While on one hand he was trying to remember that he had been a stranger to Reid once upon a time, and that he also had no true, personal claim over him, his jealousy wouldn't allow it.  
  
All this time, Reid had remained staring at him, as if frozen in frame, and Morgan was worried that he was going to fall over.  
  
"You.. what?" Spencer murmured dumbly, licking his lips. Morgan had agreed. What did that mean? It meant that he would help, but helping also meant that he was going to enter into a sexual zone with a close friend of his. Given the complex and somewhat - to him, anyhow - confusing nature of social and sexual relationships, the various statistics revolving around them not only baffled but also proved to be of no applicable use. There were numerous studies indicating that hookups between friends could lead to irreparable damage, but there were also those that claimed breaking the ice in this manner, while messy, could get significant results such as long term relationships, life partners, children -  
  
He didn't have to worry about children, not as long as it was Morgan, but what about the rest of those things? Was he ready to potentially lose his best friend? Or, what if things went too well and they got together - would they be willing to work through it and weather the stares at work, talking to Hotch? Would someone need to change their job? His face fell in horror. What if he couldn't respond, but undergoing the plan triggered a romantic, emotional response to Morgan?  
  
What the hell would he do then?  
  
Reid could feel the edges of his consciousness becoming slightly blurry and felt rather than saw his own flesh become paler. He was a little cold. Blinking hard, he looked at Morgan, as if in sudden realization to his own level of anxiety. The truth was, he'd felt the pull of those concerned eyes at him and had forced himself to snap out of it, at least enough to regain his grasp of speech. "Can I sit down?"  
  
"Yeah, go ahead." Morgan didn't hint at how much he'd wanted to tell Reid to do that very thing in the past half hour, he just watched as Reid hit the couch a little harder than he was sure the young genius meant to. Instead of probing with questions, he just let Reid have a long moment of silence to absorb everything going through his mind. Lord knew that Morgan wanted a moment of peace and quiet to decompress, but he wouldn't be able to have that until Reid was calmed down and out of Morgan's immediate line of vision.  
  
Five minutes passed and Reid's color was coming back slowly but steadily. His breathing evened out, in turn leading to the constriction in Morgan's own lungs lessening. Managing Reid's anxiety had frayed Morgan's grasp on self control and patience, but he tempered it as best he could. Still, he found it increasingly difficult to let silence continue to expand between them - and he was finally propelled to break the silence some minutes later. "Just take deep breaths. Nothing's happening tonight, anyway."  
  
"What? I don't want to wait, Morgan I-"  
  
"I know you don't want to wait. I know you've already been waiting a long time," Morgan reassured him, splaying his fingers a little bit, "but you are not in any kind of condition to argue with me here, Reid. Your anxiety level is way too high, no guy would be able to function under these conditions, asexual or not. Now, just take a breather. Do you want tea?"  
  
Reid swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing. Morgan's eyes tracked the nervous movement, but at least Reid appeared to be calming down for the moment. He was still much too pale for Derek's liking, but a calm Reid he could work with. After a long second, Reid met his eye just for an instant. "I'd prefer coffee," he muttered, flicking his eyes away and swallowing again.  
  
Morgan's shoulders eased a little bit. It was an invitation to return the two of them so some slight form of normalcy. He accepted it, adding a bit of sass to his own tone. "There's no way in Hell I'm serving you coffee right now."  
  
When he made it to the kitchen, the reality of the situation hit him like a bucket of ice water. What had he just agreed to go through with? There was no way to back down now, Reid was counting on him... And, even more than that, he wasn't sure that he wanted to. This was what he'd wanted for years now, the opportunity to hold Reid close, to finally get to know the long, lithe body beneath the clothing. The situation even called for intimacy, and what could be better than that?  
  
He mused on it more as he filled the kettle with water and set it on its stand. Electric kettles were much easier - faster and more manageable - than the standard stove top kettles he could remember his grandmother using. His father's mother was the only person in his childhood he'd ever seen drink tea. He'd maintained a good relationship with her until she became ill around the time he turned nine, passing away shortly after that.  
  
Taking two mugs from the cabinet, the reached for the pot of already-brewed coffee and hesitated. Now that he thought about it, Morgan wasn't sure that caffeine was the ideal treatment for his own nerves. He re-routed his hand back to the row of cabinets above the counter, flipping open the door of the one next to the glasses cabinet and pulling out a tin of loose leaf tea instead.  
  
Grabbing two tea strainer eggs from a drawer, he measured out the appropriate amount for each mug, waited for the electric kettle to complete its boiling cycle, and steeped the eggs. By the time he headed back to the living room, enough time had passed for Spencer to have relaxed and gathered his thoughts. What he hadn't expected to find, as he eased around the corner, was the younger FBI agent actively engaged in a murmured conversation with Clooney.  
  
He took a step back before Reid had a chance to see him and hovered just out of sight, listening to the one-sided conversation.  
  
"Your owner's a good guy, you know that?" Reid mumbled, scratching behind one tannish-orange ear. The dog cocked its head in appreciation to the sound of Reid's voice and the heavenly touches, but for all the world he looked equally as interested in what Spencer had to say as Derek had earlier on. Reid couldn't help some of the night's sorrow seeping back into his tone, begged by stress, but he sounded more melancholy than panicked, now. "I think he'd do just about anything if a friend asked it of him."  
  
In the hallway, Morgan couldn't decide if the depressive tone was an improvement or a setback. When no further words drifted his way and it became apparent that Reid was done spelling out his emotions, Derek took a deep breath and rounded the corner again, a little quicker this time. He was still careful not to spill the hot tea just the same.  
  
"I decided on tea for myself. Just so I wouldn't tempt you."  
  
Reid was sat in the center of the couch, hunched over so that he could scratch behind Clooney's ear, the dog sitting in front of him almost expectantly. As Morgan came breezing in, however, Clooney took the cue and hurried out of the way, sending a glance to Morgan that almost seemed to imply, _I took care of him while you weren't here._ Once again, Morgan wondered how much of the situation Clooney really understood and how much of it was projection of human emotion onto an animal... But he could have sworn the dog seemed to wink at him.  
  
Spencer held out his hands to accept the mug of tea, flashing a tiny smile to Derek in the process. "I'm still sort of surprised that you drink tea, if I'm being perfectly honest. You don't seem like the type."  
  
Morgan put on a look of mock-offense. "And what type is that? I'm a nutrition buff. Tea's good for you... plus my grandma used to drink it when I was a kid. She taught me the trick to brewing the leaves. Each kind has a sweet zone for temperature and steep time, to bring out the most flavor."  
  
If Morgan could have laughed in the moment, he would have at the sight of Reid's eyebrows rising into his hairline. It was adorably confused and all the more endearing because of it, but when Reid didn't comment in return (settling instead for taking a prolonged, testing sip of the tea) Morgan did laugh... a little. "What?"  
  
Shaking his head, Spencer cleared his throat, offering another awkward and almost misplaced smile. "I guess there's still some things I don't know about you, even after all the years I've known you."  
  
The smile didn't fade from his face, even as he felt a pang of pain go through him. "I guess so." 

_You have no idea, pretty boy.  
_


	4. Chapter 4

It was getting late. Reid hadn't exactly arrived early on in the evening - it'd been close to nine thirty when he'd come blazing in. It was closing in on eleven thirty, and while Morgan wasn't sure how to approach the topic, he had to ask. Part of him wanted to be rude enough to ask for privacy, to ask that Reid leave... but the realist in him whispered into his ear the undeniable truth that,  
  
 **One:** He'd never be able to rest with Reid out there, somewhere - not tonight...  
  
And **Two** : Spencer Reid was in absolutely no condition to go anywhere, even if the two of them had spent the past hour and a half carefully chipping away at the awkward tension.  
  
Which meant Morgan had to find a way to invite him to stay the night without tipping the scales and sending them both back into a frenzy of panic.  
  
He was sat on the arm of the couch, hunched slightly with his elbows on his thighs, still holding the tea mug. Reid was a comfortable distance away - if the conversation from earlier hadn't been as tense, they would be even closer, but as it was the two and a half foot distance? It was simultaneously too close in the somewhat odd atmosphere, and far too far for Morgan's personal taste. On the one hand, he wanted his privacy. On the other hand, he knew he'd find more comfort in being able to touch Reid but even the events of tonight didn't give him that right. At current, nothing gave him the right - even his wildest dreams didn't.  
  
Derek had to bite the bullet. Clearing his throat, he adjusted the grip on the mug and stared at the beige carpet for too long of a moment. "If you want to stay the night, you're more than welcome. I can't say I'm fond of the idea of you leaving so late." _And I need to keep an eye on you, or I won't sleep at all._  
  
Reid's head shot up so fast that Morgan worried it'd be another three hours before either of them slept. If they slept. How he _hoped_ they would be able to sleep... Spencer, however, didn't look quite as panicked as he did startled. Morgan had said nothing would be happening tonight - and it wasn't the first time that Reid, in a pinch, with nightmares or whatever else, had rushed over and ended up crashing the night. It was, however, the first time it had happened when the both of them were distinctly aware something was changing.  
  
Morgan couldn't help himself, he studied the way that Reid's eyebrows furrowed together in nervous concern. He could all but hear Reid's train of thought going a mile a minute, racing through all possible outcomes of the situation. Finally, the younger agent broke the silence that had momentarily encompassed them due to his shock.  
  
"Are you sure it's all right? ...I feel like I've asked enough out of you for a lifetime, man." Hesitantly, Reid's eyes flicked up to Morgan's and then back down to Morgan's mug because that was much easier to look at. There was no uncomfortable tension in staring at tea.  
  
Somewhere in the back of his head, Reid was worried - and not just worried about how they were going to go about doing what he'd asked of his best friend. No. He was worried because Morgan hadn't freaked as much as he'd expected. In fact, every time he looked at Morgan's face, the only thing he saw was concern. Which either meant that Morgan truly had no problem helping Reid, or that Morgan was hiding all of his own emotions on the matter.  
  
Given the gravity of the circumstances, Reid was batting for the latter. All of what he knew about Morgan pointed to such composure meaning Morgan felt like he had to keep up appearances. It was true that it certainly helped keep him calm that he had Morgan acting stable. ...But it worried him, worried him that whatever Morgan was feeling that was going unsaid was something he needed to hear. He wasn't about to pressure his friend to do something he wasn't all right with - not fully.  
  
Even this stressed out, Reid knew they needed to talk more about this. Preferably when calmer, but he was starting to think that neither of them were going to be able to get sleep unless he opened his mouth. Unfortunately, just as he went to do so, Morgan cut him off.  
  
"Yeah, it's fine. You take the bedroom, you'll sleep better in a bed. I got the couch."  
  
Concern and logic were tossed out the window once more, and Reid found his voice near squeaking when he spoke. "Your b-bed, no that's not necessary. I'll take the couch. The couch is by far the least likely to be an inconvenience-"  
  
"Reid." The tone was firm, commanding, and - for some reason he couldn't quite fathom - calming. Warily, his eyes flicked upward, meeting with the firm look Derek was sending him. "I'm taking the couch."  
  
A pause, and then Morgan stood in one fluid motion, breaking the eye contact. "C'mon. I'll get you settled."  
  


\---

  
  
Five minutes later, Morgan had a blanket under one arm and a pillow over his shoulder and was about to head downstairs once more. Reid was sat in the middle of the queen sized bed, not quite tucked in - he'd refused borrowing clothes of Morgan's, which was probably a good thing because Morgan wasn't sure he was equipped to handle the sight of Reid in his clothing...  
  
Least of all tonight, of all nights. He needed a damn break.  
  
He was reaching up with a free hand to flick the bedroom light-switch off when he heard Reid's tentative voice, calling out to him. It was barely loud enough to break the silence of the room, but he'd heard it. There was never going to be a time where he would miss any utterance of his name from those lips. Reid had to repeat himself before he could answer.  
  
"Morgan?"  
  
He paused at the doorway and slowly dropped his hand, not turning around. Derek did everything not to let the dryness in his throat or his exhaustion bleed through his voice. It only partially worked. "Yeah?" Shit, he was fried.  
  
"I feel like if I stay here alone I'm just going to end up staring at the ceiling all night," Reid admitted, returning to his pattern of avoiding eye contact. Not that he needed to, what with Morgan's back to him. His voice dipped down in volume, uncertain. "Please... stay? Just until I fall asleep. I.."  
  
Derek closed his eyes, needing the pause to break the creeping tension in his frame. He'd be damned if tonight didn't kill him on more levels than he could even register. Not for the first time, he wondered just how he was going to survive the main event. "Yeah. I'll stay with you."  
  
Spencer's eyes darted all over the place, nervous as Morgan turned around. Slow, purposeful steps brought the darker skinned agent to the edge of the bed. He set down the pillow and the blanket and then himself, in that order. Reid glanced over and watched the tension line of Morgan's shoulders, settling down into the bed a bit further. He'd made the most out of his own clothing, losing the tie and putting his watch on Morgan's nightstand.  
  
Morgan seemed to notice that, flicking his eyes to it. There was the briefest struggle of something in his expression before it disappeared, and Reid had to wonder if the invasion of Morgan's personal space - even the nightstand - bothered him. Before he could wonder more about it, Morgan was speaking.  
  
"Get settled in. I'll stay until you fall asleep." It wasn't the warmest tone, but it wasn't unfriendly either. Morgan just sounded tired, and Reid knew not to push it - even if he wanted to. They both needed sleep. He settled completely into the bed and drew the blanket over himself, watching Morgan's hands which were folded over his lap.  
  
Derek still wasn't really looking at him, but as soon as his head rested against the pillow his thoughts became sluggish. It wasn't more than three minutes later before he could barely keep himself awake, body so tired from the cycle of panic that had consumed him all day. Somehow, with Morgan next to him, the panic eased and sleep had swept in quickly. Just before his consumption, however, a thought occurred.  
  
"Morgan?" He paused. His voice was so quiet and tired, but Morgan turned toward the sound of it. "Thank you."  
  
A heartbeat later, Morgan murmured in return, but Reid was already sliding into unconsciousness. "You're welcome."  
  


\---

  
  
It wasn't two hours later when Morgan heard a sound not unlike a whimper that snapped him straight out of whatever mildly restful state he'd managed to fall into. His nerves were frayed several times over already, tonight, but this was a panic that didn't even register on a conscious level. It was instinctual, the way that his body moved, shoving and kicking the blanket on the couch out of the way. It was instinct that drove determined footfalls across the carpet, waking Clooney up - instinct that propelled him up each step until he reached the master bedroom, the only functional bedroom of the house.  
  
He hadn't quite shut the door when he'd left Reid alone, and the sound that drifted out broke his heart, mended it and broke it all once more. Whimpering noises, the kind he'd never even heard out of a dog, beckoned at his ears. He gently pressed his palm against the door to ease it open, knowing that what lay behind it was going to rip his already broken heart from his chest.  
  
Spencer was curled up into a fetal position, looking impossibly small in the queen sized bed. The only thing exposed above the creme colored comforter was his hair, looking slightly sweat-soaked and legitimately rumpled. It wasn't the sight of Reid like this that broke his heart, though it certainly stung, but the whimpered uttering that fell like a stream of consciousness from his mouth.  
  
Morgan took a shaky breath. He hadn't realized they were words - couldn't make them out until he was standing at the foot board of his bed.  
  
"I need.." Reid whimpered, his body shifting into a tighter fetal position as he did so. Each whimper was a fraction of a fuller sentence, and it was taking Morgan a moment to understand the equation. "You're my.. I need to know.. sorry.. dizzy.. can't.. so sorry.."  
  
It hit him all at once, and while he wanted to waken Reid from the stress nightmare he just felt paralyzed. Reid was talking about him. It hurt. It broke his fucking heart. It.. He didn't know. Morgan wasn't sure he'd ever felt so many conflicting things in his lifetime, and he'd had more than his fair share of struggles.  
  
Somewhere halfway through another series of whimpers, Morgan's body was acting on instinct again and he didn't try to hold it back. He couldn't leave Reid like this, for the same reason he couldn't back down on him. His heart wouldn't let him allow someone he loved to continue suffering, and his conscience wouldn't allow himself to bail on a friend as close as Reid was.  
  
Before he even knew what he was doing, he was setting his hand on Reid's shoulder and shaking lightly. Stress dream or no stress dream, he'd barely gotten to sleep downstairs, and somewhere in the fog of his mind he was done playing practical. He knew what they both wanted - needed - and it wasn't going to make this situation any easier, but it would smooth over tonight. He didn't know how he knew that, but he did.  
  
"Reid. C'mon, kid, wake up. You're having a nightmare." Derek had to fight to keep the raw emotion out of his voice. It was just past two in the morning and his emotional stability was utterly fried. He just couldn't wrestle up the energy to handle himself - not this tapped out.  
  
Unfortunately for Morgan, Reid was not lacking in energy. He'd fallen asleep quite easily, earlier on, whereas Morgan had had to fight the urge to stay up all night and let his mind wander. To Derek's state of almost zombie like existence, he jolted as if he'd had his body reanimated with electricity - nearly hitting his forehead to the other agent's. Even sapped, the Morgan's reflexes didn't fail him - he stood up straighter just in the nick of time to avoid Spencer crashing into him. Too bad that his reflexes couldn't do a damn thing for the anxiety.  
  
The younger agent was very nearly babbling. "Morgan- I, what... what's.." He watched Reid blink hard, taking a deep breath. It seemed to take a tremendous amount of effort for him to even get a grasp on English.  
  
Derek nudged his forearm against Reid's upper arm, trying not to let it read anything other than casual. "You were having a nightmare. Move over."  
  
"W-what?" Still not quite aware of the situation, or why those dark eyes were looking at him in exhausted concern, or why he was being told to move over (though his body followed through the motions anyhow), he glanced back up at Morgan and furrowed his brows. "Nightmare? I don't remember it."  
  
While the tone of his voice was genuine enough, Morgan wasn't leaving anything to chance. He needed rest and it was painfully obvious from the bags under Reid's eyes - darker than usual - that the younger man had been struggling to sleep lately, probably contributing heavily to the panic tonight. They both needed this, just like his gut instinct had told him. Out the window with boundaries and etiquette, he rolled his shoulders to force the tension free from his frame.  
  
"Trust me. Let's get sleep."  
  
"You're sleeping here?"  
  
"You woke me up all the way downstairs. I just want to be around in case the nightmare comes back, is all." Morgan was using the most reasonable tone he could construct, but Reid was still staring at him with wary confusion.  
  
Oddly enough, despite whatever hesitation there was, Spencer didn't say anything further. He simply shifted a bit more toward the nightstand and readjusted the pillows to accommodate two people instead of one occupant.  
  
Morgan glanced down as Reid moved the pillows, tracking the motion before looking back up. All at once, in the most surreal split second of Derek Morgan's night - the night which also included, for the record, the entire revelation of Reid's sexual identity and the utterly unbelievable favor he'd been asked to perform - their eyes locked and something passed through them. Suddenly, Spencer seemed to know, too - seemed to know that what Morgan needed was to pass out cold and not get up for several hours. He seemed to know that arguing wasn't the best plan of action. And more than that, for just a second, Morgan was made to wonder if Reid knew what he was trying to keep under wraps.  
  
Goosebumps flared to life along his arms, but when he blinked the little glitter of knowing had disappeared and there was a bit of concern in Reid's eyes. He shook his head, both to clear it and to tell Reid that it was nothing - before Reid _asked_ and he was forced to talk even more while running on empty.  
  
Suppressing a sigh, he settled into the bed and tried to ignore (with some futility) the body heat that radiated off of the younger agent. It didn't, as he expected it to, make his mission to find sleep even harder. While he had known to follow his gut instinct, it still took him by surprise how much Reid's proximity eased his scattered nerves. It felt so right, so calming, and so intoxicating.  
  
The last thing that he heard was Reid's equally content breath beside him as he drifted to sleep.


End file.
